date:
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
kinda felt this song mirrors what i feel now... i'm getting better. but better doesn't mean that much happier.. i've done many things to get over him, some good, some not so good. i've already stopped going to church for 3 weeks. will be a month soon cause i'm definitely won't be going for festival of praise this year cause i'm working..
been feeling so exhausted recently. work's piling up, on all sides. although i enjoy school time and work at the bear shop, i still feel that sense of loneliness.. maybe hat's why i've been buying bears to somehow fill hat void. i long to write music, but i don't have the time too. and i know, i'd probably end up writing sad songs and i don't want to...
天空灰的像哭过
离开你以后
并没有更自由
酸酸的空气
守住我们的距离
一幕醉心的结局
像呼吸般无法停息
抽屉泛黄的日记
找到了回忆
那笑容是傻气
你我的过去
被深深真的忘记
缺氧过后的爱情
存心的眼泪是多余
我知道你我都没有错
只是忘了怎么退后
信誓旦旦给的承诺
全被时间扑了空
我知道我们都没有错
只是放手比较好过
最美的爱情回忆里带去
it's almost 2 months already... slowly he has been fading out...i'm trying to numb myself, and i think i'll be there soon..
i still wear your ring. not so much hoping you'll be back, but rather, i just want to leave a trace of you around with me. you once told me, whenever i couldn't be with you, or when you had to face tough times, you'd rub that ring for support and know i'll always be there... i guess, it might have changed for you now.. but it's okay. i'll be okay again very soon. just a little bit more, a little more time to pass...
managed to upload pics alr. will add captions and post them up soon. they're all about my bears anw. don't have much to take nowadays...
kaela @
11:02:00 PM
date:
Friday, July 27, 2007
time passes so quickly cause my days are so messy=/ wed was my only off day, so went for guitar class after school, and then to my bear shop cause brina wanted me to make her turtle with her. waited 5 hours!! haha cause the shop was kinda crowded so she had to serve the customers. haha i wasn't even in uniform and people still ask me questions! ended up doing free labour=/
oh and yes, tim came from his workplace to look for me, and we went on a mini shopping spree. bought a new bag from aldo=D haha havent bought a bag in ages=D and my favourite basket has given way=(
oh and brina's bf matthias came and bought donuts=D got him to buy me a half dozen=D yumyum=D
no school yesterday, so went to work. haha new skins came in! cuddles is so way cute! they have it in pink and blue=D i reserved a pair alr=D they'll be my new twins=Dhaha i thought i was terible, cause we cuddles my beary collection will amount to 5! haha but then, i found out brina too will amount to 5 after buying the cuddly pair, and natalie already has 7, without cuddles! oh man.=/ terrible. we're returning our pay to the shop=/ after work, we had some photo shoot, so everyone came down and changed to uniform to pose for the lights=D haha sarinah brought her 2 year old son!! so so cute!!!! i was carrying him around the shop=D
rushed off for tuition, (luckily the boys cancelled so only christina's slot was left) and when daddy picked mummy up after me, she gave me a new dress for asia she boughtearlier=D haha asia's spoilt! every 2 days she has new clothing=/ oh well. she can share them with the cuddles! the blue one shall be a boy named ethan, and the pink one a girl, name undecided still=D
by the time tuition ended i was extremely worn out. bear shop requires a HUGE amount of energy! and then there was jo's birthday celeb. so got daddy to drive me down to eunice's place at 11pm.only stayed till abt 12 plus after eating the cake. totally wiped out alr.
sigh... i guess i wasn't the best company, but i'm tired.. i really don't want to go for cg tdy too.. i just feel like i'm being critique and watched.. all i want is simplicity. liike at my bear shop. minus the manager, i feel totally at ease and free working. and the other girls are lovely and simple and just.. happy! no complexcity of 'you should be like this', 'you're changing', 'you're not doing this right'. i don't want to have expectations to meet i have alot to deal with as of now already, i'm really too tired to defend myself in these confrontational situations.
at the very least, you seem to be happy now. you almost never bloged any pictures of us. but now you blog so much, so many happy pictures, so many new faces of girls i never knew.. at the very least, i have the comfort of my babies. i can love them, cause i know they'll never hurt me back. or whisper things of me. or judge me critically. or look at me with disappointment.
don't tell me how disappointed you are with me. i don't need to hear that. how's that supposed to help me feel better?
i'm happy now. i just want simplicity back. i just want my family, my new babies, to do well in my jobs, and to study and score well. just like that. i've already failed in jc, i really cannot afford to fail in uni. maybe i'll attend a neighbourhood church instead. a quiet simple one where there is just love, no gossip, no slandering, no critical eyes, no high expectations to meet, no disappointed faces. i'm trying so hard to pull yself together. but everytime i see that look on your eyes, on your faces, i hate myself more and more. i don't want to continue hurting people, i don't want to slip back into depression. just let me go... let me lead my life of simplicity and love again.
kaela @
10:15:00 AM
date:
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
bleah i still can't seem to upload pics
blogger's extremely horrid=/
ytd went to sch to do research for ob assignment. kinda productive i think=D haha ate pasta at megabites AGAIN.
and.... I ACTUALLY WENT TO THE GYM TODAY!
haha worked out my poor exercise-deprived body a little=D abt 20 mins? lol.
stats class today was okay, done before discrete and poisson, so it was more like 'chiong fast fast finish then chat' session=D
oh! and i have a new "little miss sunshine " shirt! wore it to school tdy=D haha i like it alot cause the pic's bright yellow. and got pics of the sun and a daisies at the back=D will upload the pics as soon as blogger's okay=/
haha koped amy's daisy to tie on my hair cause it matched my outfit=D
oh and... after sch we went back to that pushcart selling the baby clothes, and heh heh. bought a teeshirt for asia that acts as a dress for her. damn sweet, with a pooh in a heart and butterflies and flowers embroidered on it=D it's her pj outfit=D
my og's damn enthu. 1 month after orientation, they're not only still sticking liike superglue and having late night chat sessions everyday, they're starting an og blog and friendster too=D long live FEAR FACTOR!
oh well. i want to upload pics so bad! haha so many fun pics=D andnew outfits=D
oh and and and... on sunday when i was working, got this really cute guy who came and bought a white fluffy puppy for his gf with the eeyore outfit. so cute! cause eeyore's on fours too=D the puppy was so so adorable=D melts~ i'm so so so tempted now=D but i'm broke lah=D acct only got 3 bucks lef. seriously! all my tuition money goes to a separate acft. and i havent been paidby the bear shop at all since i started work=/ don't know what i've been living on=/
oh well. off to bed. class tmr morn=D maybe i'll get to work with ezann again=D she's really nice=D
kaela @
11:29:00 PM
date:
Sunday, July 22, 2007
urgh. blogger's having problems again=/ got so many pics i want to upload but can't!
yup on friday bought a new blue dress with qiu for asia! haha we bought the same one for our bunnies=D i'll post the pics up as soon as blogger cooperates!
hmmm friday didn't go for prayer meeting cause was having fever.. sigh.
oh and poor tim.. he attempted suicide by drinking detergent... i'm so worried for him... sigh.. life can be so cruel sometimes...
ytd tim came to find me at work, went back to my condo poolside, and along with sin wei, we chatted and reminised and all... and... of course i had my weekly drink. haha. was kinda bad this time... i think i punched a tree. my knuckles are sore and bruised. and cut=/ oh well. no more. i really don't want to be so emo. so i cried out alot alot ytd... so hopefully i never end up like this again. we chatted till abt 3 plus and then they had to carry me home=/
oh well. so i didn't go for service cause i was too giddy to. went to meet qiu and the rest for lunch at fish and co at suntec to celebrate yawen's belated birthay. but only for half hour before i zaoed to work... yup.. they came later to my shop to add heartbeat s and stuff a bunny for shao=D oh and desiree and my family and my aunt's family and cousin came too! stuffed the SAME bunny as shao's for desiree=D very cute lah~ and a bear for weizhi's girlfriend=D
oh... and mummy bought me a new outdit for asia!! it's the mulan outfit i've been lusting after for so long! =D i love my mummy=D haha !
okay off to sch tmr for research, gonna turn in early! =D
yes i will get better, don't worry=D i'm going to bring me back.
kaela @
11:46:00 PM
date:
Friday, July 20, 2007
heard this song while was in mos with qiu... reminded me of the kbox session we had during my birthday this year..
i'm sorry guys, i'm tired. please let me rest, just for awhile. been feverish for awhile but i didn't do anything abt it, continued with work and tuition, but now, i really need to rest. i want to go to a faraway place to rest. just me, nature, music. please don't force me to move so quickly. i've already been moving very quickly.
i know it's not easy for anyone to know and understand, and i seem like some retarded and emo freak who can't get over a lost relationship. i'm emotionally retarded, i can't just let go like you guys expect me too. just let me rest okay, i'm really very very tired... i really don't want anything anymore. i just want to rest in peace... to sleeep without interruption, to be able to close my eyes without fear.. i'm not like you. i'm not strong like you. please don't expect so much of me, cause when i don't meet your expectations, i feel even more of a failure...
你最近不说话
怎么了 为什么
是不是有什么事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单
有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁
你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合 也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切
都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束 不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
爱 我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合 也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释
这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束 不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
这一次我们都能很幸福
kaela @
9:29:00 PM
date:
school tdy was boring=/
qiu came over in the morn to do computing hw, and dad drove us to sch. were late as usual, but stats was so simple it was boring=/ tuition from 6-10, not bad~
life's like a routine now.
but i really want to do well for my studies. and hopefully work on my music too. been so busy i can't work on it..
it's 12:34 am! haha oh well. my life is so dead boring. i'm trying to read an accounts chap but it's abt as interesting as the fly on my wall that hasn't moved for a few hours.]
hmmm... chatting with ah liy online. really intersting stuff.
am i blogging cause i hope he'll read and feel sorry and come back?
i guess sometimes i do wished so.
but..... i know for sure he doesn't, cause he doesn't want any contact with me. hence i blogged freely..
i know he doesn't love me anymore. i'm not delusioning myself.
i am trying to get better.
he hurt me so bad, even if he were to come back, i'll be so afraid he'll just pull his vanishing act on me again. i've lost trust in relationships.. i've already begun to feel numb. yes i've been more or less successful in numbing myself. i drink on a weekly basis, and i blog out everything i feel, and i pack myself 24/7 from the moment i open my very small eyes till the moment i shut them.
i've been too busy to think, to tired to feel, to afraid to try.
i'm trying so hard to put on a strong front. yuan always thought i was dependent on him. i need to be independent again, without him.
but sometimes, i just wished i didn't have to be alone...
kaela @
12:16:00 AM
date:
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
haha tdy was fun=D morning overslept but still made it on time. met eunice and pri xuan at the bus stop where i change buses=D and tdy's computing class i sat beside ezann=D yup we got along quite okay, and she's really nice=D haha we blurred through computing tgt and swapped numbers too=D
after that, went to west mall for lunch with liy and qiu, and caught harry potter with liy=D thought the movie wasn't too bad=D
haha it's almost 1 and i'm still doing stats hw=/ plus ob assignment to work on . oh well~
kaela @
11:13:00 PM
date:
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
it's not easy, but i don't have a choice. you seem to be moving on so well.. all without me. and with alot of other girls...
i'm starting to dream of you less too..
hopefully, all will fade out soon.
kaela @
11:34:00 PM
date:
was in beans mugging with qiu the whole morning, and they only had 1 SONG which replayed on and on. innocence by avril. but contradictory to how i feel. but it's a great track! any one who has it, send over okay?
Avril Lavigne - Innocence LyricsWaking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away,
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling
This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away,
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by
It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliance, please don't go away'
Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by
This innocence is brilliance, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away,
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by
haha this is more of me now:When my time comesForget the wrong that I've doneHelp me leave behind someReasons to be missedDon't resent meAnd when you're feeling emptyKeep me in your memoryLeave out all the restLeave out all the restForgettingAll the hurt insideYou've learned to hide so wellPretendingSomeone else can come and save me from myselfI can't be who you are
kaela @
10:41:00 PM
date:
searching through my posts and found this draft. was abt to blog it when yuan prompted the breakup on msn. and obviously i didn't have the mood to blog it anymore. but one of my friends said i should. just let it go and release that burden. so here it is.
7 june 2007 , but after midnight i think.
happened to meet chun on my way out
him with his mooks shirt=D and we were doing silly faces as usual
kaela @
12:23:00 AM
date:
Monday, July 16, 2007
okay finally i can upload the pics... plenty plenty.
sigh i havent been doing too well. i have a drinking problem. because when i drink, i feel more numb. i feel happier.
had a karate function ytd, which was really boring. haha and so happened upstairs there was a 21st birthday party gg on. zirui's friend. so, i had free flow of wine. and nat's got her own car alr!! oh man i'm so jealous. her parents bought her a 100 K car of her own with touch screen displays and a reversing camera. how cool! so after we left, me and nat went to rail mall to drink a lil more. sigh. nat's also just gone through a similar situation.. so we were people in the same boat=/
.
haha went home very confused, and awoke at 5.15 am under the sofa UNDER THE SOFA. lol i have no idea how i ended up there=/ had to go to work early this morn, so my head's still really heavy. sigh. and i think i drunk dialled him. but obviously he wouldn't answer. and then, i think i drunk msged him. =/ i'm hopeless=/
oh yah! went to queue for donut factory donuts tdy! 30 mins only leh! =D cause MONDAY AFTERNOON! haha=D yummy=D i love their double chocolate=D
PICS!
desiree's 7th birthday
small durian cakes for july babies=D
so cute right!
cousin and her husband
like HOW COOL!
haha got a little tipsy at the party and somehow fell badly and ended up with this ENORMOUS bruise that is still here!!
11th july daddy's birthday
his swensen's cookies and cream ice cream cake! =D
ice cream!
dad!
haha we look so alike right!
mummydaddy
my old bag in jc that's all torn and spoilt alr... thrown away=(
15 july BABW with liy qiu and cons
ytd, after service we went to my shop to make a bear for yawen, and ah liy! haha damn fun, cause it was like an open secret for ah liy=D oh and jayden was so happy cause he got to go out an entire day!
liy's belgie, my jayden , yawen's princess=D
my darlings
belgie!
princess!
jayyyyydennnnn! <3
after that, had a karate dinner. da invited whole family aling=D ken shin kai's 10th anniversary!
darling desiree with fighter!
sensei chia!
actual height difference! =D
my flower=D
kayys that's all for now! damn tired. gg to meet qiu early tmr to chiong tutorials and sch after and tuition after after=/
kaela @
10:28:00 PM
date:
Saturday, July 14, 2007
urgh i have no idea what's wrong with blogger. just came home from work and decided to finally upload pics but realised it's not working=/ had tuition from early in the morn and rushed for work. sigh sats are spent like these now... one entire day wrking.
but work tdy wasn't too bad. but do closing always have to vacumm and all that... mid shift better. no need to open, no need to close=D
oh and qing came to visit! and jiaying! =D really busy tdy at the bear shop, but the mood was somewhat good=D plus there were tons of cute guys=D always fun to make them do the 'heart ceremony' in front of their gfs or guy friends=D
haha i know i really shouldn't but i went to yuan's friendster acct and saw that his num female customers have been corresponding testimonials to him. hmmm. haha how? i don't know man. i seriously don't know how i'll react if he's getting attached again=/ hmmm like crap? lol. sigh.
i still miss you yuan.
kaela @
11:47:00 PM
date:
i don't know if i should join coucil. my og friends are joining... but i'm afraid of the hectic-ness.. plus i prefer joining a sports cca so can exercise my unfit body=D oh well
sigh i need a vacation. i just want to break free for awhile.
i want to leave my jobS behind, my studies, church, friends, yuan, everything.
just for one day.
i have nth to look forward to in life now. i'm still that pathetic soul.
haha my blog's getting so extremely boring
i'll upload pics very soon!
kaela @
12:34:00 AM
date:
Friday, July 13, 2007
once again, i awoke from another dream where we were tgt AGAIN=/ i don't know why. i even try not to go to bed thinking of him. it's just so hard to NOT dream of him...
working out my tutees results on excel now... i'm such an excel idiot, so thought i needed the practise=/
oh well. prob gg to work out /swim before heading to sch~
Sometimes goodbye,
though it hurts in your heart,is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every waySo say goodbye (so say goodbye)But don't you crycause true love never diesAnd when you need my arms to run into
I'll comfort you
Nothing will ever change the way I feel
kaela @
10:57:00 AM
date:
Thursday, July 12, 2007
sigh another week of sch's ending alr... so fast... been having alot of late night chat sessions with my og members while i mug... really glad i went for the orientation=D they're a bunch of fun peeps=) like now our current topic's on hot topshop girls who have armpit hair to braid them into frnech plaits. hehs=D see how lovable they are! =D
oh and my parents bought a new landed property at an auction tdy=D it's our very own home=D it's a terrace at the area opp tech whye there=D very cosy house=D gna think of a name for it=D but won't be moving in yet.. prob 5 yrs later. parents intend to rent it out first.
haha current chat topic is abt sporean guys being forced to mature early XD
hmmm tdy in lecture i really almost dozed off... exhaustion's really beginning to creep in.. but i kinda welcome it, cause it numbs away my emotions, and helps me sleep better... after sch tdy had the 2 Amath boys and Christina... i work almost 7 days a week. only wed and fri off now. fri cause got CG...wed usually got bs. and i might schedule my music lessons on wed. but if i take up music.. it means i gotta give more tuition to cover the fees... which means i'll be more tired.. and everyday i'll revise school work from 12 to 2am, and in the mornings if i have sch in the afternoons...
plus... lecturers encourage us to join ccas.. liy and qiu are joining salsa. i don't think i can salsa though... and gta pay fees, and i don't want to pay cause i'm broke... so i might join a sports cca? maybe tennis since i have a court at home? and a racket and the ball alr. lol=D just don't know if i can fit it in my schedule=/
sigh there's ob tmr and i havent read the text.. better go mug now...i really can't afford to do badly at sch.. i don't want to keep failing alr..
kaela @
10:57:00 PM
date:
"When You're Gone"
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm aloneAnd the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you takeDo you see how much I need you right now[Chorus]
When you're goneThe pieces of my heart are missing youWhen you're goneThe face I came to know is missing tooWhen you're goneThe words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okI miss youI've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of youAnd the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you,
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
[Chorus]
We were made for each other
Out here foreverI know we were, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe
I need to feel you here with me, yeah
[Chorus]
kaela @
10:47:00 PM
date:
lol my 401th post alr! =/
would love to upload pics. daddy loved the cake and the short=D we took lovely pics with my lousy phone on vga cause i simply had no memory space. yuan still makes up for 90% of it.
went to bed at 12 but just couldn't get to sleep. that's why i have to tire myself out everyday...so the moment i hit the sack, i sleep. tdy's my off day, i'm not tired enough to knock out, so i ended up thinking abt him... went to the study room, saw this tiny book in the display cabinet. it's a book from cards and such that says 'you're very special to me' i bought him one last year, and scribbled stuff in front of him 'discreetly' and gave it to him=D and cheeky him copied and got me the same book too. haha we did this kinda stuff so often the cards and such salesgirl knew us alr! she would say 'haha for him again ar. you might as well buy 2, save him the trip' .
as i read his scribblings in the book, i had my 248768475th breakdown.
i can't help it. i'm like that.
at times i feel i can conquer the world, at times i feel like an ostrich.
at times i feel like i can really move on, at times i wished he were still here
at times i didn't want to care at all, at times i just want to keep reminising.
i'm a confused soul.
but i know one thing for sure. i damn well don't want any counselling or advice or concern. you know the 'nobody understands' phrase? so ya. you guys don't understand. you think you do, think you're an experienced lover, think you know what i should do to get over him, BUT YOU DON'T. it's not like 'that time me and him were also like that', it's not like 'i've been through much worse once', etc.
they're just NOT THE SAME. yuan was yuan, not your bfs. don't compare our case to yours, cause they're just different. different people, different love, different situations, different environments, different backgrounds. so just stop trying to comfort me. and it doesn't help when you tell me you know how he feels, and that he has been trying so hard but feels exhausted, cause it makes me feel like an absolutely HORRIBLE and TERRIBLE being to cause him to feel that way. it just makes me hate myself. i don't trust myself anymore.
i know i'm acting like a stupid emo stubborn mule.
but i just don't want help.
because the help just makes me feel worse. because help doesn't help me at all.
i thought by letting you go, you'd be happy. but you don't seem to be. if that's the case, what's my sacrifice worth?
kaela @
1:01:00 AM
date:
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
school was okay tdy, acct was just as boring and dry.
tdy's also my DAD'S 47th birthday! =D
happy birthday daddy!! =D
got him a swensen's ice cream cake and a tee from bossini's that says RESPECT=D
sigh how time flies. last year yuan was here with me, blowing balloos that spelt 'best dad' and hanging them in my dining hall.... good memories~
When you're goneThe pieces of my heart are missin' youWhen you're goneThe face I came to know is missin', tooWhen you're goneThe words I need to hearWill always get me through the dayAnd make it okayI miss you...
kaela @
6:56:00 PM
date:
sigh i'm still here churning out accounts hw. my og members have all finished=/ i'm so so slow!
and i'm so so exhausted, cause i had tuition after sch too.
oh and met le too along with qiu after sch for awhile. they were talking abt their bfs so i didn't have much to say. but they've both been contacting him and all.. and i can't. but i don't want to care anymore. if he can live without me, i can live without him.
heck. accounts come first for now anw. and then i can get some shut-eye.
kaela @
2:08:00 AM
date:
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
groan. haha i just woke from a dream where we got back tgt... AGAIN! lol=D
hmmm oh well..
been super super busy the past few days..
where there's life, there's always death, as what ah liy said to me...
saturday was desiree's 7th birthday. really cool! cause its like 07.07.07 Desiree is 7 years old. that's what her cake says! haha how cool right? drank quite a bit of wine and got kinda tipsy. okay so maybe quite a fair lot of wine. and asked sinwei down to chat for awhile, and he bought me green apple vodka! haha=D i was so tipsy and kept falling and ended up with bruises and raw skin everywhere=/ will posta pic of my bruise soon=/
soon after, aloysius finally picked up my call. sigh.... his mum passed away that morning... and he asked me down to ht ewake but didn't give me the address=/ so i've been paging him all day. thought he wouldn't be responding alr, so i drank a lil. but he finally answered and gave me the address. so zirui and i went down to visit him... forced myself to be sober by then. but when i got down and saw his mum, i started crying... sigh... somehow i felt really bad. cause church has a healing service this sunday. wanted to invite his mum to come... and just 2 days before she left, i was asking him abt his mum's condition and all that, and he told me the doc said she still had a few more months to live... but before i could ask, she's gone... i couldn't save her, spiritually or physically. and i know truely, i will never see her again.. stayed there till abt 2 plus am.
then ian had some issues with his girlfriend and asked me to a coffeeshop nearby to talk. so by the time i got home, it was really quite late. and i had to wake early for church the next day...
yup was so exhausted but managed to stay awake during service.=D pastor was back with another great msg from sermon of the mount. asia came out with me too! haha mummy calls asia hiao hiao=D which means... bimbo? haha i don't know=D
after service headed for work from 3-10. first time i felt so energyyless at work , even adelina could tell=/ sigh. my performance chart won'tbe having any stars this month i guess=/ after work, waited with brina for her bf till abt 1130 at starbucks, then went down to aloysius's mum's wake again. got him a whole bundle of different dark chocs, cause i really didn't know what else to do=/ stayed till 1 plus am, then went home for some shut eye.
early mon morn (ytd) went down again for the funeral procession... his dad broke down very badly.. so did his grandma...seeing all that raw emotion, i just felt so so sad, i couldn't help but start crying too. i really can't imagine being in aloysius' shoes. all morning he stood there staring at her face in the coffin... a bus brought us to mandai crematoriun. it's really treally beautiful there. if i ever die one day, i want to be cremated there too. the sccenery's so serene, the halls are classy and yet exuding warmth. poor aloysius havent slept throughout the days, but he was still trying to stay strong... i really wished there was more i could do to help...
went to meet qiu and liy at lot 1, and i embarrasingly broke down again cause i still felt so so sad... zirui told me not to cry at the funeral, so i tried not to alr... but after leaving, i still felt so sad.. i really can't imagine losing my mum....
sch was up next on my list, ob was boring and the teacher was kinda strict=/
after sch, rushed home, had tuition from 6-10pm. chatted with mum a lil, and finally went to have a good sleep at 11...
but i had to dream of you, of all things...
kaela @
9:31:00 AM
date:
Monday, July 09, 2007
no idea why, but this song just kept replaying in my head. maybe cause little connie tablot sang it in the semi-finals. but somehow, it feels like i'm singing abt my relationship with my babies-jayden, fighter and asia.
i know many people won't understand and feel that i'm weird, but at night when you're all alone, after work when you go home alone while other colleagues have significant others outside waiting for them, at times when you try to call someone but no one's free or engrossed in being attached, you'll just feel lonely. and i seek comfort in them. cause they're always there to give me a hug. they're kinda like a substitute. i desperately need to fill my void. i hate sounding emo, but it's true.
so yup, that's why i like this song. it's called
BEN.
Ben, the two of us need look no more
We've both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone
And you my friend will see
You've got a friend in me
Ben, you're always running here and there
You feel you're not wanted anywhere
If you ever look behind
And don't like what you find
There's something you should know
You've got a place to go
I used to say
"I" and "me"
Now it's "us"
Now it's "we"
Ben, most people would turn you away
I don't listen to a word they say
They don't see you as I do
I wish they would try to
I'm sure they'd think again
If they had a friend like Ben
Like Ben
Like Ben
kaela @
1:30:00 AM
date:
Saturday, July 07, 2007
RANDOMNESS hits again!
pics from everywhere!
SIM orientation PICS!
machio me=D
fashion drag!
ghaz and me!
ogl michelle
kor!!
bearemy my shop's mascot!
JAYDEN my love=D
qiu's amy!
jayden~
ASIA my new bunny!
amy & ASIA~ best friends!
clarice and kaela
amy and asia=D
kayden my laptop!
gary sucking heroin! haha it's sugar=D
i stress my kids out so much they ended up reading their notes like that=/
yup my bear shop required me to paint a condo!
front
side
side
back
last cup kor made for me=(
kaela @
3:37:00 PM